Two years ago, I decided to embark on a year of self-love and radical self-care. I made a New Year’s resolution: to be kind to my body and to make friends with it.
The plan was to chronicle my efforts and self-care journey all year long.
It seemed like a good idea.
I lasted until March.
Self-care activities were to include massage, acupuncture, taking care of my skin in a multitude of ways, exercise, using a sauna, shopping for new clothes and taking care of my digestive health by figuring out what foods worked for me and which didn’t. I feel tired just from reading the list (and like I’m about to significantly deplete my bank account).
Self-care is a wonderful thing. It can rejuvenate us, make us feel loved and nurtured. But it can also be exhausting.
When self-care becomes a burden
Self-care isn’t something you add on to your life on top of everything else you’re already doing and all the responsibilities you already take care of.
Self-care isn’t supposed to be a chore or a drain.
If making an appointment to get a pedicure and then finding the time in your day to squeeze it in causes more stress than pleasure, it’s not self-care.
If you’re trying to shoehorn in a little time for yourself between making dinner, cleaning up and getting the kids to bed, and hoping everyone in the house is quiet enough so you can get in a 5-minute meditation (because your doctor has told you that you need to relax more), it’s not really self-care.
People who are socialized as women have an especially hard time of this.
Pretty much any health issue female people face (perimenopause, hypothyroidism, migraines, digestive issues, you name it) will include a recommendation to “reduce stress” and “relax.” When this happens, self-care becomes yet another thing to fit into your already full life. And with the added stress of worrying about whether or not you’re doing a good job of it or what the ramifications will be if you don’t do it!
How self-care works best
I’ve found self-care to work best when it’s not scheduled. When you notice your feelings and your needs and you respond to them in the moment.
That may mean doing something different for lunch: going out to eat, or taking a walk, or turning off your phone and sitting in blessed silence. It may mean asking for help and off-loading chores to another person in your household so you can have time to yourself, if only for an evening.
What do you do with that time? Whatever you want: call a friend, write in your journal, play music, read a book, exfoliate your feet it that feels good to you.
Unscheduled self-care brings you into the present moment. By being aware of your needs right now, you can give yourself what you need right now. It helps you be more in tune with your intuition as well, as intuition happens only in the present moment.
And, honestly, if scheduling that time in your day is what you need to make it happen, that’s OK, too. Do what works for you.
Self-care activities
Also note what self-care activities actually feel good to you.
When you think of treating yourself to self-care, what do you think of? Massages, facials and pedicures? Retreats or vacations?
What about a cup of your favorite tea? Or calling a friend? Or sitting with yourself for even just a couple of minutes and feeling your breath moving in and out of your body?
Self-care doesn’t have to be complicated, time-consuming or expensive.
I used to think that getting regular pedicures were what I needed for self-care. It turns out that, while I like having my feet and calves rubbed and I like having pretty toenails, I don’t like getting pedicures all that much. I find them stressful. The music playing or TV blaring and the fumes from the nail polish and remover are overwhelming and I leave feeling drained.
I like the idea of getting regular facials (and retaining the impossible allure of youth forever), but they’re spendy enough that I have difficulty truly enjoying the experience without wondering the whole time whether or not it’s really worth it.
Maybe self-care for you is an unscheduled day. Or an impromptu hike in the woods. A drive to the coast. Or doing your own nails and reading a good book in the quiet of your own home while your nails dry.
My self-care activities turn out to be things like being in nature, walking with a friend, journaling, doing my emotional healing work, seeing my counselor, playing music on my ukulele and singing, meditating, and putting my hands in the earth via gardening (even if it’s just pulling weeds).
You get to make your own self-care rules
What’s most important is that you:
- Figure out how self-care works best for you – scheduled or spontaneous
- Determine what activities are nourishing to you
- Actually do it
When you make yourself a priority, your relationship with yourself changes. You become a friend to yourself, someone you cherish and naturally want to take care of. This begins a positive healing cycle that spirals upwards into a life that’s worth living.