Forgiveness. It’s a loaded word and often a misunderstood one.
Forgiveness is also an incredible gift. It’s one you give to yourself, not to the person who hurt you.
That’s one of the myths of forgiveness, the widely believed falsehoods that might be keeping you from doing this important work to free yourself from the pain of the past.
Here’s what we most often believe about forgiveness: that it’s something you bestow upon someone else, that it’s a sign of weakness, that you’re letting someone off the hook, and that it’s something you have to feel before you can do it.
None of these are true. And they’re holding you back from the healing it’s possible for you to experience.
Here are five truths about forgiveness.
Forgiveness means strength, not weakness
Forgiving someone for the wrong they’ve done, or the pain they’ve caused you, doesn’t mean you’re weak. If anything, it means you’re strong.
Strong enough to let go. Strong enough to move on. Strong enough to do the inner work necessary to let go and move on.
Forgiveness means holding accountable, not condoning
Forgiving someone isn’t letting them off the hook. It’s actually the opposite.
In order to do forgiveness work successfully, you need to look at the relationship in which you were hurt (and this can be any relationship, not just a romantic one) and discover what specifically is painful and needs healing.
To forgive, you need to be able to state the wrong that you are choosing to let go so that you can release the pain around it.
Forgiveness isn’t about saying what happened is OK. It’s not condoning what happened. It’s not letting them off the hook.
When I have done my most powerful forgiveness work it’s been because I’ve been able to say something like: You hurt me deeply when you took advantage of me/lied to me/abused me/didn’t meet my needs. You caused me a loss of trust and a loss of safety, which affected my sense of trust in myself and in the world around me. This has affected me immensely in my life in many areas. In order to let go of the pain around this, I forgive you.
Forgiveness is about you, not the other person
Forgiveness is about you. It’s about whether or not you’re ready to heal and do what is necessary to make that happen. It’s not about whether the other person has asked for forgiveness, deserves forgiveness, or even knows you’re contemplating it.
Forgiveness isn’t about you, however, in terms of morality. You don’t get to claim the moral high ground or the credit for being the bigger person. I mean, you can, but that’s not what this is about and it won’t serve you.
Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself, not to someone else
I’ve done a lot of forgiveness work, because I’ve unfortunately experienced a lot of painful circumstances and relationships. What I’ve discovered through doing this work is that forgiveness is an amazing gift I’ve given to myself.
It’s the gift of finally setting down the emotional baggage I’ve been carrying for decades. It’s the gift of no longer being triggered by emotions, energy or experiences that I have been in the past.
Because of this, I’m left lighter, freer, more emotionally balanced and resilient. My heart space is clear and my relationships are better as a result.
Forgiveness is a choice you make before you feel it
You don’t need to understand the person who hurt you, or even have compassion for them, in order to forgive them. It’s fine if you do, but you don’t need to.
You also don’t need to feel forgiveness before you do it. Forgiveness is a choice you make. Something you decide to do.
If your fridge is empty of groceries, they don’t magically appear by you realizing the fridge is empty. You have to make the choice to buy groceries, then go out and do it, carry them back home and put them in your fridge.
When you realize you need to forgive, you figure out what it is that needs to be forgiven (making your grocery list), make the choice to do it, and then act on that choice.
That means you decide to forgive and then express your forgiveness out loud to a compassionate witness (but not to the person you’re forgiving). It means that when the emotions around the situation or relationship come up, you remember that you’ve chosen to forgive. You let it go. You release the emotion. You remind yourself you’ve set that pain down and are done with it.
Discovering what was still painful for me, the wrong done to me that I was still holding onto, and forgiving the people who caused it, is one of the greatest gifts I’ve given to myself. It’s a gift you can give to yourself, too, if you’re willing to take the courageous steps to do it.
Image by Ben Kerckx from Pixabay