The myths of grief and why we just won’t talk about it

If you ever want to see a room of people get uncomfortable, stand up in front of them and tell them you’re about to give a talk about grief. I did this recently, and I could see everyone desperately try to put up their emotional armor as quickly as possible.

Grief is one taboo subject. People just don’t want to talk about it.

But when you do, healing happens. By the end of my 20-minute talk, people were nodding and agreeing and had achieved a new level of understanding, which then allows them to move through life in a slightly different way.

Why don’t we want to talk about grief?

Talking about grief pokes at unhealed wounds

Grief makes us uncomfortable because other people’s grief reminds us of our own unhealed places. And we have lots of them.

Talking about grief – your own or another’s – is like giving someone a stick and telling them to poke at you with it.

We all have unfinished business and incomplete relationships that we don’t know how to fix. When a friend, co-worker or relative has a grief experience, it resonates with that hurting place inside you. As you’ve probably been taught to resist pain, rather than move toward it, you tense up and back away.

It’s a natural reaction. You’re just trying to protect yourself. But it doesn’t help you complete your healing work, and it doesn’t help the other person, either.

We’re not taught how to successfully move through grief

Grief also makes us uncomfortable because we don’t know how to react. We want to be helpful, but we’ve got no real idea of how we’re supposed to do that.

You don’t want to say the wrong thing. What if you’re talking to a friend who seems like they’re feeling good and you mention the friend’s loved one who died and it brings up all the painful stuff and they start crying? You feel terrible. You vow to never mention their name again, right? Better not talk about Bob, you think, that makes them cry.

Plus, their grief nudges at your own unhealed grief and you begin to feel bad, too.

We’re not taught how to react to grief, whether it’s our own or another person’s, in a helpful way.

Instead, we’re taught a lot of unhelpful things. According to the Grief Recovery Handbook, these are:

• Don’t feel bad
• Replace the loss
• Grieve alone
• Stay busy
• Be strong for others
• Give it time

None of these beliefs actually help you heal what’s incomplete within you.

If you’ve been told any of these myths in response to a loss you’ve experienced, and you found they didn’t work for you, know this: It’s not you. They don’t work.

This is the first in a series of blog posts that will talk about each of the myths of grief that we’re taught by society, our parents, friends and other generally well-meaning people (because they don’t know any better either).

• Grief myth #1: Don’t feel bad
• Grief myth #2: Replace the loss
• Grief myth #3: Grieve alone
• Grief myth #4: Stay busy
• Grief myth #5: Be strong for others
• Grief myth #6: Give it time

Rev. Joanna Bartlett is a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist® certified by the Grief Recovery Institute® and offers one-on-one and group sessions using the Grief Recovery Method® to help you move through grief and live life again.